From Blood and Tears
by Shepard of the Lost
Summary: the ereason why anders wanted to leave the circle of magi.Nathaniel wasn't a particularly observant person but the sudden silence was unsettling and all too obvious. Anders had been quiet all day...


Anders, the usually lighthearted mage, had been uncharacteristically quite all day. Nathaniel wasn't a particularly observant person but the sudden silence was unsettling and all too obvious. Anders and Ogren had been having one of their usual arguments that morning but it seemed that the dwarf had crossed some invisible line with the other male. Since then, Andres hadn't spoken a word to anyone; not even to his kitten, ser pounce-a-lot.

No one, other than Nathaniel, seemed to notice. In fact, he secretly thought that the others were glad the mage was being quiet for once. Upon reaching the vigil, Nathaniel stopped Anders before he could retire to his room.

"You've been eerily quiet today. What's wrong?" the Howe asked crudely.

Anders shrugged him off and simply said, "I'm fine."

Nathaniel wasn't sure what to do. He wasn't a people person. Whatever problems the mage had were his own, not his… so why did he feel so worried? With the ever present scowl on his face, he marched off to his own room for the night.

The next day, Nathaniel and Anders were left behind while the commander took Ogren, Justice, and Velanna out on patrol. However, Anders didn't show up at breakfast and hadn't been seen since yesterday. Nathaniel went to check on the mage but when he knocked there was no answer. Becoming slightly concerned, he opened the door without waiting for permission. In hind's sight, that might have been a mistake.

Anders was lying in bed, the sheets clinging to his hips and exposing his bare torso. Nathaniel fought down a blush and the urge to shut the door and run. The mage had his arm flung over his eyes and spoke in a tiered tone, "We aren't going on patrol with the commander today, right? Leave me alone."

"You still need to get up and eat you idiot." was all the Howe could manage to say.

"I'll eat when I'm awake. Now, go." Anders spoke as he rolled over on his side, back to Nathaniel.

Only becoming agitated by this, the other crossed the room, yanked the mage out of bed, and proceeded to drag him down to the hall to breakfast.

"Eat." Nathaniel commanded with a harsh shove.

Anders grumbled as he spitefully pick at his food, intentionally taking as long as possible to further vex the other man. Eventually, though, he did finish food and looked to Nathaniel for approval. The rouge nodded but stopped Anders from retreating back into his room, "Now we train."

Anders groaned loudly, "You're just making this up as you go!"

"My point is that we have to train anyway. What's yours?"

"Ah-! …"

"Exactly. Now let's go. I'll clear the courtyard."

The mage's sour mode made training with him slightly hazardous. He seemed to be taking all his frustration out on Nathaniel and wasn't pulling any punches. Fortunately for Nathaniel, Anders spent his energy rather quickly in his heated rage. Breathing heavily, he sat on the ground, glaring at the other. Nathaniel was winded as well and went to join his ally under the tree. The two sat in silence for a long moment before Anders _finally _broke down and started acting more like his old self.

"You know, Nathaniel, you're a lot like me." Anders said in a much lighter mood as compared to a few minutes ago.

"I'm nothing like you, mage."

"Oh, would you just hear me out?"

Nathaniel sighed, "Very well, enlighten me."

"It's like you're a mage. Everyone hates you just for being who you are."

Nathaniel looked at the other man and wondered where this suddenly came from. He studied Anders for a moment. The mage looked so…sad. He just stared straight ahead with a distant expression on his face. Nathaniel placed a hand on the other's shoulder only to have him flinch and pull away. The mage then stood and said that he was going back to bed as he walked back toward the building.

Nathaniel had had just about enough of that man's skulking and chased after him, spun him around and held him firmly by both shoulders, "What is your problem?"

A very surprised Anders turned to a very angry one at the question, "My _problem_ is people like you who won't leave me alone!" he shouted, prying loose from Nathaniel's grip.

"What are you talking about? We've barley even spoken since my joining. What's going on, Anders? You've been acting like this since yesterday. From what I've gathered, the dwarf said something and it pissed you off. What did he say?"

"It…it's none of your business!"

"I'm making it my business."

"Oh, really? And just how are you going to get me to tell you, hm?"

"By using an age old torturing technique that my sister taught me. This is your last chance to tell me." Nathaniel's voice was ominous.

Anders hesitated but still refused to give the rouge the information he desired. And that was it. The mages fate was sealed. Nathaniel took both hands and began to tickle the other man, his face still completely serious. It wasn't long before Anders was on the ground begging Nathaniel to stop but he wouldn't. Not until the mage told him what was wrong. Anders wasn't exactly built for endurance and thus quickly gave in to the other's demands.

"A-alright! Alright! I'll t-tell you!" he said, gasping for breath. Nathaniel, satisfied that he had gotten what he wanted, stopped the torture. "Not here though." The mage continued. "Let's go back to my room… I…I don't want anyone else to hear it…"

Nathaniel's interest was pricked. What could the loud-mouthed mage possibly have to tell that he hadn't already told everyone else? They reached Anders's chambers and the mage locked the door behind them, just to be on the safe side. He then crossed over to his bed and sat with a depressing flop.

"So, you know how I was raised in the circle, right?" he began, "And you know how we never have any privacy from the templars? Well, basically, the templars can do whatever they want, no questions asked. They can beat up an unsuspecting mage, steel from the chantry, even…" Anders swallowed hard, "Even rape." Nathaniel flinched, realizing what Anders was getting at.

The mage rubbed his hands anxiously, looking at Nathaniel, hoping that he wouldn't have to explain any further. Nathaniel understood now. Ogren had jokingly hinted at rape and certainly didn't mean to hurt Anders as much as he had and likely didn't even realize it. The Howe's fists shook slightly. He wasn't sure what to do with this. He was angry at the templars for doing this to Anders, saddened by the fact that he was still haunted by this memory and confused by his sudden emotion to the situation at all.

"Anders…I…didn't know."

"No, you didn't. But now you do and that's what you wanted isn't it? I suppose you'll be running off to the commander and telling her my whole sob story and that everyone should be extra careful not to offend me, huh? Well, if you do, you should know that I'll hate you forever. Just saying.

"I have no intention of telling anyone, Anders… Although, you probably should talk to someone about this. Keeping it bottled up like you have been isn't healthy."

"…Can I talk to you…?" Anders asked sheepishly.

"I'm the only one you've ever told, aren't I…?" Anders nodded. "Well then, I suppose I don't see a problem with it. Just, come to me anytime."

Anders smiled at the other man in silent thanks and the two talked a bit more on a lighter subject before it was time for dinner.

**. . .**

Several days later, Anders seemed withdrawn again and Nathaniel took it as a hint that they needed to talk. The two had become rather close over the past few days but had yet to talk about Anders's past. Nathaniel had hoped he was trusted enough that the mage would come to him instead of the other way around. He approached Anders early in the evening.

"Anders, is that…thing bothering you again?" Nathaniel asked, wary of others around them. Anders glanced around them before giving Nathaniel a slight nod and they left for the mage's room.

"I've been having nightmares lately." Anders began once the door was safely locked behind them.

"That explains why you've been so tired these past few days."

"Yeah…" the mage played absentmindedly with his left sleeve.

"Stop that."

"What?"

"Picking at your sleeve."

"Uh, sorry. Nervous habit.

"Why would you be nervous around me?"

"It's not you…not exactly." That last part Anders mumbled.

"Then what is it?" Nathaniel asked somehow managing to keep the irritation out of his voice.

"Would…would you mind staying here…? Just for tonight, anyway…" Anders blushed ever so slightly; the other male didn't even seem to notice, "It might help with the nightmares…to have someone I trust close by…"

Nathaniel looked around the small room, "Where would I sleep?" he saw a flash of panic in Anders's eyes and quickly corrected himself, "Never mind. We'll just have to share a bed I suppose."

A wave of relief washed over the mage. Although, the actual getting ready for bed was an awkward experience. They both went to bed shirtless, seeing as how neither of them actually owned a sleeping shirt. However, once settled, the extra body heat was a welcome factor in the cold Fereldon night. Anders woke once to being spooned by the rouge (though if anyone asked him he would simply say he had been half asleep and if such an event occurred he wouldn't remember it). When the other man shifted The mage froze and pretended to be asleep.

Nathaniel, on the other hand, was completely embarrassed by his unconscious actions and turned to press his back against Anders's. He was also the first to wake that morning. Nathaniel sat up and stretched as Anders rolled over to claim the new space in his bed. The mages left arm lazily flung across the mattress and caught Nathaniel's attention. A series of scars were scattered all along his arm. Most were older and even looked years old but a few were still fresh. One was even still wrapped in a bandage, stained a faint red.

Nathaniel felt a sudden flood of emotions swamp his mind. Anders had been…and he wouldn't even come to him for help. Nathaniel understood why the mage would turn to such methods when he was still trapped in the tower with no one there to help him but he had friends now; he had Nathaniel. Why wouldn't he just talk to him…but that was what they did last night wasn't it? They talked, if only a little. Maybe this was the last time. Maybe Nathaniel wouldn't have to worry about this at all. Still, it pricked at his brain.

Anders woke again and looked over at his friend. He opened his mouth to thank Nathaniel for staying with him but quickly shut it when he realized what the Howe had already seen. As a reflex, he tried to hide his arm from the other but Nathaniel caught it and looked Anders straight in the eye.

"Why wouldn't you come to me sooner?"

"I…" Anders yanked his arm away, "I don't know. I guess I thought 'Why would a Howe ever care about an apostate like me? Why would anyone care.' …I don't know…it was a stupid thing to think I guess."

"Yes, it was. We're friends, Anders. Comrades. To think that any of us wouldn't care is completely idiotic." Nathaniel reached out to take back Anders's hand but the mage flinched, "Let me help you, Anders." This time he didn't flinch and Nathaniel held the other man's hand to let him know that he was not alone in this.

They stayed together many more nights before things began to get a little more…complicated.

"You said you wouldn't do this anymore!" Nathaniel shouted, finally losing his temper with the mage.

"And you said you wouldn't leave me alone again!" Anders shouted back as they continued to argue in his room.

"I didn't have a choice! The commander was dragging me with her to Amaranthine. What was I supposed to do? Tell her no?"

Anders was quiet. He knew there was no questioning the commander of the grey, no matter how much more he wanted Nathaniel to stay than she needed him to go.

"I'm sorry, Anders." Nathaniel spoke more calmly this time, "But I'm here now, alright?" he grabbed the wrist with a fresh cut on it and thumbed the bandages.

Anders felt an overwhelming sense of panic rising in his chest. His eyes locked with Nathaniel's just before he flung himself at the rouge. His arms wrapped tightly around the other as he buried his face into Nathaniel's shoulder, trying not to sob too loudly. Nathaniel returned the embrace, soothing his friend by rubbing his back and cooing to him. Things had become far too complicated between them. He wondered just how long they could keep this up. Neither knew how the other felt and neither seemed quite brave enough to find out in one way or another.

Anders seemed to be the braver of the two.

"Nathaniel I…I think I might…care for you. A great deal, actually." The mage confessed, slightly tightening his grip around the other.

Nathaniel did the same, fearful of his own emotions. What does one say when confronted with this sort of information? Of course he had come to accept his feelings for the mage sometime ago but never actually thought they would be returned. He was content to live out his life close to Anders but never intimate. Now, all his fantasies, nightmares, and hopes seemed to flood through his mind. Each time he tried to speak, the words would catch in his throat.

The growing silence between them made Anders uneasy. Had he been rejected? If so, why was Nathaniel still holding him? Did he feel the same or not? He was so confused at that point he couldn't gather his thoughts to form a proper response to Nathaniel's action or lack thereof. He pulled away just enough to be able to look Nathaniel in the face and show him the fear and confusion written all over his own.

Nathaniel's heart fluttered to see Anders so close and ached to see the pain in his eyes. The Howe didn't know what to say but he wanted so badly to show Anders that he felt the same for him. Slowly, hesitantly, he got just a little closer and when Anders didn't pull away, just a little more. He got so close their lips barley brushed and they could feel each other's breathe. It was Anders who closed the gap between them, capturing Nathaniel's lips with his own. He slipped his tongue between parted lips and the kiss deepened. Before long, they were a heated mess of tongue and nervous hands as each fumbled with the others clothing.

At one point, things got a little too rough and ended with Anders being slammed against a wall. In that moment, he flashed back to those torturous years in the circle. Nathaniel was no longer Nathaniel but the templar who had molested and raped him for so many years. Anders froze and began to shake. This did not go unnoticed by his would be lover.

"Anders? What is it? What's wrong? Anders?" the rouge became considerable concerned and gave him a quick shake to snap him out of the flashback.

At that point, Nathaniel didn't want to continue and was insistent that the whole thing was too fast anyway. But Anders melted his resolve with a gentle, passionate kiss. He was more than willing to continue, if not to simply prove to himself that those dark times were over for good, it would certainly be to ease the incredible burning in his loins.

They continued their fling from there and never stopped again. They somehow found the bed and had a quick battle of dominance before Nathaniel gave in; trying to allow Anders to regain some feeling of control after it had been so cruelly stolen from him. The mage, however, wasn't sure of what to do at that point. He had only ever known the basic mechanics of the act but never how to pleasure the other. Nathaniel could tell the mage was at a loss (mostly from the fact that all he had been doing for the last few minutes was leave bite marks on his neck) and helped him along with a simple thrust of the hips.

When their members rubbed together, a short gasp escaped both their mouths and Anders needed no further encouragement. He grinded and moved his hips in time with Nathaniel's and when friction was no longer enough, the hard part came. Anders nervously positioned himself at Nathaniel's entrance and began to push slowly, stopping whenever his lover hissed with pain and allowing him to adjust. Quickly, though, Nathaniel became very impatient and encouraged Anders to push ahead without concern for his minor discomfort. The pain was harsh at first but soon subsided to unspeakable pleasure. They regained their rhythm and with each thrust, drove each other closer and closer to absolute bliss.

Nathaniel groaned and writhed underneath Anders's gentle touches and firm thrusts. He closed his eyes and savored the feeling of Anders inside him, caressing his body as thought it were something so beautiful and delicate that it would shatter if handled to roughly. This, in fact, was similar to what he thought of Anders. Though he hardly showed it to others, he was far more fragile than he seemed. Nathaniel had seen Anders in his lowest and his highest. He could determine when and if the mage was faking a smile for the sake of others. He saw that fake smile far too often and strived for the rare laughter that rivaled the chant of light in that of beauty. He found beauty and grace in everything Anders did (of course, the mage would probably never forgive him if he ever found out).

Suddenly, Nathaniel's eyes flew open as he gasped with pure ecstasy. Anders had found a rather sensitive spot, deep inside of the rouge. The mage paused a moment, wondering if he had hurt Nathaniel but slowly began to grin as he realized where he had touched. Again, he hit that same spot and again Nathaniel moaned with pleasure. The Howe was nearing his climax and Anders knew neither of them would last much longer. Only a few more thrusts later they were both in the throes of a simultaneous orgasm that gave pleasure a whole new meaning.

Anders collapsed to the side of his lover, trying to catch his breath. Nathaniel turned to the mage and wrapped a protective arm around him. Anders rolled onto his side and snuggled in closer to the other man with a content sigh and a true smile on his face. He slept peacefully as his lover stroked his back and whispered softly to him that he would never abandon him.


End file.
